From Feeling Broken to Better Than Ever Before

 

It’s hard to even imagine how I felt when I first came to Narconon. I was, in every sense of the word, broken. My health was awful. I couldn’t concentrate long enough to perform the basic functions of my job, and I felt soulless and empty. I had started using meth at 46 years of age and felt like such an idiot for getting addicted.

Life before drugs was pretty good. I was always progressing—I was always getting promoted and won lots of awards at work. My friend group was good and ethical. I traveled, learned new skills, volunteered, and was a good family member. I went to family reunions and saw my mom and dad as much as I could.

I started smoking weed and drinking when I was 13. Then, in my 20s, I did a lot of ecstasy and got out of hand. I put drugs down for 20 years—until I started using meth three years ago. It was disastrous. I ceased being any semblance of the person I once was. I wasn’t even close. Because I had quit drugs before, I thought I could do it again—but I realized I was hooked on meth after the very first time.

One night, I got really high—higher than I’d ever been—because I had access to an unlimited amount of meth. I drove 150 miles in that condition. The only things I remember are honking, the rain, and thinking, “This isn’t right. I could kill myself or someone else,” but I kept driving. I wound up at home, and it hit me: “How did I get here?” I knew where I was and what I had to do to get there, but I couldn’t remember any of it. It scared me.

I’ve had scary moments before and powered through them. But this moment was followed by my CEO calling me to say he’d be in town in two days. I would have to perform at a high level for the next ten days, yet I couldn’t even remember driving home.

That’s when I first called Narconon. It came up in a web search, and something just felt right about talking to the consultant. That day, I threw away all the drugs I had.

When I arrived at Narconon Arrowhead, I was still in the middle of crashing from meth. I cried and slept a lot. Everything reminded me of something I had screwed up. The first couple of days were hard—but the staff was incredible. The right people were in the right places.

There were four big things I got from going through the program.

First was a clear body. I couldn’t even walk up a flight of stairs in my apartment before, and I thought it would be like this from here on out. So being able to exercise now and not feel so tired all the time is great. After the sauna program, I felt the best I had in a decade or more. I got my physical health back.

Next was getting my mental health back. I had felt judged ever since I was 12 or 13 years old. Looking back on my life, it haunts me. I would constantly think, “This person thinks I’m a piece of shit.” It was insane. My biggest win on the Objectives that I don’t feel judged anymore. Even if someone does judge me, that’s not my problem. I don’t have to carry it with me.

I also learned I can be happy because I choose to be. I had gone to a lot of places and read a lot of books searching for that “just be happy.” Now I know it was inside me all along. Those are two big things that make it easy to say I don’t want drugs anymore. I used to think the only way be cool is to use or that drugs will make you ecstatic. They don’t.

Then there was confronting something I should have addressed 10 years ago. I had put someone else above myself and never voiced what I wanted or what was okay with me. I thought if I did, they wouldn’t love me. But as soon as I did, I realized they would always love me—it is just going to be different.

The last thing was taking care of my mind, body, and soul. I had never felt the presence of any kind of deity. When others talked about it, I’d think, “That sounds incredible, but I don’t get it.” Now I feel I’ve reconnected with spirituality—or connected for the first time. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like knowing there’s something else. And now, I feel that there is.

I’m looking forward to taking on the world. I would always say I wanted to make a difference in the world. Now, because I have a connection spiritually, I understand how my actions impact other things and I can be effective at it. I didn’t know how to be effective before. So, I am looking forward to making the impact in world that I always said I wanted to.

Learning the mechanics of being the best version of myself has been an accomplishment. I have certainty that I can apply the mechanics and I have the understanding now that I’m not a victim of circumstance. I have the ability to do whatever I want—in a positive way.

My relationship with my family had deteriorated, but now it’s infinitely better. I’m not hiding anything anymore. Before, I’d call just to check a box—I’d call my mom to make sure she wouldn’t worry. Now I can actually communicate and confront.

My favorite thing about being drug-free? Literally everything. All the things I thought drugs would give me—confidence, spirituality, happiness—I have them all now because I’m drug-free.

“Not only am I drug-free – I am better than I was
even when I was off drugs before.”

My advice to anyone struggling with addiction is to come to Narconon. I can’t imagine getting the kind of results I’ve had anywhere else. There is no other place I could imagine getting all the wins I have had. Every time I felt like the best I’ve ever been they would say “there is more.” And sure enough, even in the last portion of the program there was more.

Drugs brought me here, but there was so much other stuff I hadn’t worked out for myself that I’ve worked out here. Not only am I drug-free – I am better than I was even when I was off drugs before.

F.T., Narconon Arrowhead Graduate