I Never Used Again – 18 Years Clean

Things were going perfectly before I started using drugs. I had my own business, I was married, we were getting ready to have our second child, and our house was paid off. It was picture perfect.

The birth of my first son was one of the happiest moments of my life. Marriage is a beautiful part of life, and creating my custom home-building business was a great accomplishment. But having my first child was the icing on the cake. It completed things.

Then one day, a contractor on a job site introduced me to meth, and I made the foolish decision to try it.

I call it the “Devil’s candy” because it hooks you right away, and you want more right off the bat. When you first start using meth, it feels like a tool. You think you can be more productive and efficient, but soon you learn that it turns in the other direction.

By the time I went to rehab, I was getting a divorce, I had lost my business, and my house. I lost everything. I had to move back in with my parents and was no longer allowed to return to the house I had built.

I spent half my time at my parents’ house and the rest of the time, who knows where—on the streets, with friends. I had hit rock bottom and was ready for change.

I asked my friends for help and planned to get it the next morning. The people I was with stayed up late that night, but I went to sleep early. I woke up to the sound of gunfire. It was surreal to hear gunshots just a few feet away from me and see the sparks. I managed to escape through the window and went to my parents' house, where I told them I needed to talk. I explained what had happened, and the next morning, an interventionist was there for me. I had no idea they had already been planning it. I resisted and tried to run away, but he kept coming to find me. I remember him saying, “If you ever want to see your kids again, you’ll come with me.” I started to walk away, but I wanted my kids back, so I turned around. I got on a plane and arrived at Narconon Arrowhead with nothing but the slippers on my feet.

My first win, after not having any possessions when I arrived, was when I got my first shopping order there. I stood up in front of the group and told them that I had lost everything. I held my new clippers in my hand and said, “I’m rebuilding my empire.”

Of course, when I first arrived and was going through withdrawal, I was not happy. I was depressed and sad—everything you would expect when going to rehab. It was far away from home, but what I liked was that they let me rest. I was able to eat whenever I wanted and had plenty of food. It was laid back and not pressured. Arrowhead is special – it was so calming to be out in the woods. It was a soothing and relaxing place to be.

One of the biggest things for me was learning how to be in present time and not dwell on the past. It wasn’t just being in the present, though. It is not that it magically makes the past disappear, but it changed the way I thought about the past. I don’t dwell on it anymore.

I also loved the sauna program and getting all the chemicals out of me. I feel like lifting weights was key to my success, too. It was good to do something constructive with my time. I came in underweight and left looking great. I got myself back, both mentally and physically, even back to before I started using meth.

Additionally, I gained the ability to hold my head up high, look someone directly in the eye, and speak with confidence. Users lose the ability to look someone in the eye, and they don’t feel good about themselves. But now, even if I do something wrong to someone, I can look them in the eye.

Completing the program was an accomplishment. Graduating from school is great, but this was something even more important. It was one of the greatest feelings I have ever had. I finally understood what it was all about. You gain great skills that don’t even seem to have anything to do with rehab—they are just life skills.

“My proudest accomplishment is that I never used again. It got me to stop using meth, and now I am 18 years clean.”

My relationship with my family is the best you could imagine. I never remarried my ex-wife, but we have a great relationship, and I am involved in my kids' lives. I am open and honest with everyone I love, and I love my family. They know my past, and it’s a great feeling to know that they are so proud of me.

I don’t carry around shame anymore. When you use drugs, you make mistakes that everyone makes, and you live with so much shame. But I don’t live with that shame anymore.

Phillip R., Narconon Arrowhead Graduate